Many people have come to me and asked
how Dylanism can help them or make them a better person. Usually I tell them
that it’s their own damn fault that they are stupid twits. But for those
of you out there that are actually trying to not screw up I have some tips.
Never get involved with a girl that’s never had an orgasm. Especially
if she has a boyfriend or is crazy. Nine times out of ten if you are the first
person to send her into orbit, she will follow you around like you have a steak in your pocket and she is a Kosovar refugee. It can get ugly.
Never try to get your tolerance up. All that it leads to is empty pockets. You can save so much money if you have a bad one and you can get hammered in less
time.
Never drink and entire pot of black coffee at 3 in the morning on an empty stomach.
Especially when you have only eaten oranges the day before. And for God’s
sake if you do this, don’t ever get in a car and drive when there are no 24 hour gas stations in the area. You can lose a good pair of pants this way, and if your not thinking, you might lose you wallet as well.
Don’t lie to your mother. It doesn’t work. Not even I can pull that one off. She may not find out that
day or even that year but mark my words, she will someday.
If a girl tells you that she wants to watch Braveheart with you, it is just a ploy to get you back in her room so she
can have her way with you. No sane girl on earth would ever offer to watch Braveheart.
Don’t ever live in a trailer. Cars are better than trailers. And if your really that poor you shouldn’t have enough money to eat. So it just proves that you are living there on your own free will.
If you want to make yourself a better person, stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I know that 90% of the problems people bitch about are brought on by themselves.
If your fat, lose weight. If your ugly, comb your hair the other way. If you suck in bed, find someone who’s worse.
There is a solution to everything. Its just that everyone nowadays has
gotten so damn lazy that they would rather sit around and whine instead of trying to solve their own problems.
Elian Gonzalas is a pain
in my ass. Not just him the whole deal about him and his father and their relatives. You have all these illegal Cubans swimming in everday.
We catch them in fishing nets now, they are everywhere. Soon our tunafish
cans will say “Cubansafe” instead of “Dolphinsafe”. Anyway,
they come to our county, against the law, and then have the audacity to bitch about our government. Some of them even have enough balls to throw rocks and golf clubs and patio furniture at our police. Where the hell did they get the money to buy patio furniture and golf clubs anyway? They sure aren’t working for it, and if they are, they only make like 30 cents
a day. Certainly not enough for patio furniture.
To own patio furniture you must have a patio. To own a patio you have
to own a house. To own a house you must be American. There is no saying about the “Cuban Dream.” The
only thing close is Sammy Sosa with his dream to get a hold of those steroids Mark was using.
Anyhow, these people don’t belong here. They complain about our government and its not even theirs. If
they don’t like it they should put their trunks on and swim back to Fidel. If
they want the government to work better they should pay some God damn taxes. Infidels. At least the Mexicans come over to get jobs, no matter what the pay. The only reason they don’t complain is because the second they open their mouths, a border patrolman
renders them unconscious with a swift blow from a Maglite and kicks their ass back to Tijuana.
And just so I don’t get a law suit, I’m not racist. I swear.
