Dave Matthews is the greatest musician of our time.  I’m talking about the late 80’s through the present time.  He is a musical and lyrical genius.  There is no one in the world who would ever be able to come up with the stuff he writes.  Except for Bob Dylan, he is the greatest song writer of all time. His mind is kind of screwed up but he’s still a genius (I guess it goes with the name).  I have an exert from one of Dave Matthews’ songs.  It is called “Typical Situation.”

        “Ten fingers
                                    counting we have each, nine planets around the sun repeat.  Eight ball is the
                                    last if you triumphant be, seven oceans pummel the shores of the sea.  It's a
                                    typical situation in these typical times. Too many choices.”

            While Dave is the greatest musician of our time, there is room for the greatest of all time.  This award goes to Led Zeppelin.  End of story.  That is true, because I said so.  Many will argue that Pink Floyd is.  These people are not nearly smart enough to understand Dylanism.  Pink Floyd is a state of mind, not a freaking band!  Anyway, you now know what is the genre of the best music.  Rap is not music.  Its just uneducated people yelling about how much they each fuck their ho’s. 

            My friend Eric Johnson is going to take over the world someday.  He is a strong believer in Dylanism, he’s just a little crazy.  Here is an exert from his manifesto.

            “It starts with Canada First based on the assumption that Canada is a club and not actually a country.  I will rig the country will fishing wire, this will prove to be successful in the event that I rob the CANADIAN BANK (probably much like the infamous Swiss accounts but they are in Canada) and make my escape by foot, when Canada’s force tries to capture me the will be tripped by the fishing wire (since Canada’s police are mounted police, i.e. on horses) the fishing wire will trip the  horses.  Also based on the fact that the French and English colonized Canada and their is an abundance of fog in those two countries and via osmosis also present in Canada which will hide the fishing wire and making it unavoidable for the mounted police.  Also based on the fact that prostitution is legal in Canada the frustrated Mounted police will succumb to prostitution and alieve the frustration that envelopes them.  The fall back of this plan is if I do get chased back to troy.  The mounted police accustomed to prostitution will succumb to it in troy, where it is not legal, and when they are found they will be arrested and have their horses confiscated (clause of troy if you patronize a prostitute you will have your vehicle confiscated i.e. horse is there vehicle.  Once the police of Canada are gone myself and an elite force of twisted negotiators will take the club of Canada by negotiating in terms of cheese (the speak French and world abundance of cheese is in France) or convince them that war would be tragic since they have no royal mounted police.  This is possible since Canada is neutral and no legitimate country will back Canada since throughout history they have done nothing for anyone else.  Once Canada is taken, third world countries will start to succumb to my power based on the fact that I have Canada they are a big country (once again they are really a club) and they are small countries therefore they will be destroyed if they don’t.  Once the third world countries fall I will portray the notion that I rule USA on the 2nd world countries and they will succumb to my power based on the fact that the USA are crazy bastards that will take it to war and bomb them if they refuse.  After this is done I will go to war with all of the resistance and by process of confusion and hecticity I will convince or make all other countries succumb to my power on the basis that why wouldn’t they want me to rule the world, I mean I'm a good person that doesn’t stand for genocide or with crutches.  Once this is done I will stage my own death 58 times in a row and make a miraculous recovery and be everybody’s hero based on the powers of sympathy.  I will change the money unit in all nations to the Yen because it is fun to say.  Then I will require all swimming pools to be filled with either Jell-O or h2o Alka-Seltzer mixture that are used for recreational purposes.  When this is done I will name every school and college in one form of another after Charlie Chaplin and Vince, who are both figments of my imagination who I often converse with.  I will make all students required to read the book of omens once a yr and eat lots and lots of peanut butter and jelly because it is representative of  world peace.  Then based on the theories of relativity and gravity, I will make the two toms my lawful associates, Sean my messenger, Mike Coughlin ambassador to mastering the game of Oregon Trail 2, Dylan foreign ambassador of catching butterflies and in general assuming the responsibilities of a twisted banker wearing fishnets, I will make the Mustafa the new gang in charge.  I will delegate the responsibility of finances to Paul Seligman.  Sean Kavs will be the messenger/homing pigeon he will be referred to only as "the pigeon" or "the liberator" or "Leroy" , when there is an important message to be sent we will write it on a huge sheet of paper and wrap around "Leroy" and he will run to deliver the message while making gopher noises.  Our law enforcement department will consist of Tom Morrisey who will be the "law of the land" and a band of men with hammers and deranged squirrels on leases.  Rachel will be foreign ambassador to cheese, where as cheese = power and peace.  We will set up special places where people will spend lots of money to see people that look like rats beaten severely with whiffle bats.  One of these locations will be at Locust Lane Pool which will also double as a whore house.  these houses will be called "Nookie Huts" much like igloos but not really since they are not made out of ice.  I will put a ban on the eating of Eskimos.  I will also severely discourage the killing of small little annoying dogs that squeak although I will participate in it.  The number four will be represented by a box and the box will be the only figure used in mathematical computations. for instance instead of saying 4+9^3 you would instead make the symbol of a box really pretty since the answer is big.  I will not tolerate any street being named Vince Road but will name every other child on the earth Vince.  The answer to the meaning of life will simply just be that omega marks the end and that’s that, anyone found making pancakes without Bisquik, making omega graphiti marks, or naming their kid omega like he’s the prophet will be stoned to death with cucumbers.  Chinese food will be eaten with sporks.  Any country that resists me will not receive any cheese or chocolates but will be bombarded in their schools with cheese and chocolate sales, a cruel punishment of sorts, to have every day of school be a day long assembly on the benefits of the cheese and chocolate sales.  FOR NOW THESE ARE THE PLANS AND LAWS I HOPE YOU ABIDE AND IF YOU REFUSE THEN HAVE FUN SELLING CHEESE AND CHOCOLATE THAT DONT EXIST.”

            Do not be alarmed by this, because it won’t happen anytime in the near future.  He will more than likely be distracted by a shiny object and be caught up in something else before he can gather enough fishing wire. 

            Being that this is the end of Chapter 3, I must say something on the topic of masturbation.  If you live in a college dorm, always knock before entering someone’s room because college is boring and you have a lot of spare time.  More often than not you will catch someone in the act and be flustered by the sight.  Not good.  Beating meat is OK, contrary to popular belief.  Many people think its wrong but this is not so.  Its like when the fire department goes around and opens all the fire hydrants so they can drain all the pressurized water.  Same principle.  Its more of a chore than an activity.  Girls are encouraged to do it, though most don’t admit it, those who do are either dirty or respectable.  Never, I repeat never, use foreign objects while doing this.  Vacuums, live chickens, Cool-Whip and weed-eaters are big no-no’s.  Not only are they addictive, but they can cause serious injury.