When I am in a bad mood I try not to spread it to other people.  But I know some people, make that most people, that make everyone else in the room or area in a bad mood too.  This is wrong.  They should at least pretend like they are not in a bad mood until they are by themselves or they aren’t in a bad mood any more.  I don’t want you to think that pretending is a good thing though.  Never pretend you are drunk.  Never pretend that your something your not.  For instance, never try to put on an accent just to impress people.  It’s also not right to pretend something when it makes you feel better than others.  This is evil and you should die for it.  That sounds harsh but its not.  Believe me its true. There as well is a law against eating someone’s left over Chinese food.  Especially when its chicken low-mein.  The word especially can be remembered how to be spelt by remembering that there is a spec in the isle, like in dirty grocery stores.  Prank phone calls are only funny when I make them to someone else.  And if you ask someone if they have a “Prince Albert in a Can” its not funny because it doesn’t make sense to me and that means no one else truly understands it.  Not because they are dumber than me but because its not very nice for other people to laugh at something I can’t.  That’s not being selfish either.  Phone messages that are longer than 10 seconds are unnecessary and therefore are banned. I should be able to barter by offering the simple fact that I can grace somebody with my presence.

            When taking a picture of your dick take it vertically and with the panoramic setting.  It is a huge ego trip.  It is illegal and very dirty to do it horizontally.  It is also illegal to reproduce if you cannot fill the panoramic frame with meat.  We need to enlarge the average size of our offspring to ensure the future of our race.  Anyone caught taking pictures of their own packages horizontally will be beaten with fuzzy toilet seat covers.  But little will these people know that they will be filled with marbles and they will tend to sting more than expected.

            People are no longer allowed to use colored backgrounds on their instant message screens.  This is just senseless confusion and is a waste of energy to try to decipher the message.  Barton’s Vodka is all right to drink, its just inexpensive, not bad.  And just to clear the air, American cars suck.  They can only go fast in a straight line, but 90 percent of the time have shitty handling and tend to go off the road.  Some people say that the older the American car, the better it is.  These people have something wrong with them.  How can that justify what they are saying.  Things get worse with age.  For instance, relationships, cheese, goldfish from carnivals (I know this because my old roommate has one and it smells up the whole hall.  It might just be him and his lotion though) beer and anything mechanical.  Cars fall under the last category.  There are only a few things that get better with age.  I will list them:

            Wine.  Hats.  Lacrosse sticks.  Shoes.  Guitars.  That is it.

            One of the best ways to cure the munchies is to take some microwavable packets of Oatmeal, you know the ones with the Maple Brown Sugar and the Cinnamon and Spice ones, yeah those, then you put the oatmeal in your mouth.  Then you take some water out of a Nalgene bottle only, and you pour a little into your mouth.  Then you let settle, swish a bit, then chew.  Chew for a while.  After, it breaks up a bit.  Following swallowing, you then pour more oatmeal in your mouth. Sometimes spaghetti and sauce can be substituted for the water and oatmeal.  Only people without dentures can do this though. 

            (Babalooo Says--) There is no circumstance where when placing a finger in the “money spot” that you don’t sample the goods offered. That is, if one does not “scratch and sniff” the product, you’re not only selling yourself short, you’re robbing her too (and potentially melting your skin, you ever get that itchy babaloo feeling???, wait!! I didn’t mean that….) The fact remains that if any girl has swamp puss you need to know before we get to step one. Any real man will know that the quality of a girl is all based on the shape (or lack thereof) of the bush, and the consistency of the vag region. Lets get one thing straight. Hygiene is my friend. You want to be my friend, don’t you?