First off, just to clear the general consensus, quagmires are marshy, sinkholes.  Mountain Dew does not shrink your balls. Dragonball Z is the best televison show in the world and should replace Reading Railroad in public schools.  Emeril is not a good show even when your stoned and should in no way be compared to the Iron Chef.  Younger sisters are not allowed to have boyfriends.  If you don’t believe me its true.  Alex is no longer allowed to eat my Doritos, cause he’s a retarded ass-hole.  Conversations that require long periods of time to just clear a point about who bought the beer are as well unnecessary, and Alex again is still gay.  Not to be confused with homosexual which is an entirely different thing.  He is the gay like, annoying and not cool.  NOT Mike gay.  Those are the rules. 

            I think I am going to be rich someday but I don’t know how I am going to do it.  I think that I will invent a button on all soda machines that represents a random option.  You will then select the choices that you want it to be randomized from.  Then it will random them.  Yes random can be a verb in Dylanism.

            For one thing, on a Heinz ketchup bottle they advertise that they have 57 varieties.  I asked my waitress if she had variety 32 in the back of the restaurant.  She replied that she only knew of one.  The one that was in front of me.  This is wrong.  Period.  This is false advertising and they can lose a lot of money in a lawsuit if they don’t stop it. I just think that they shouldn’t be doing that because sometimes I think that I might want a different variety of ketchup because they advertised it.  But I can’t have it, cause it’s not there. I don’t understand these types of things.  That is what I have set out to do.  Explain the things that are unexplainable.

            I once saw a girl in the meal hall and she waved to a kid that was 3 feet away.  People that wave to another person when they are that close shouldn’t be waving like that.  Its too close.  You are supposed to wave to someone that is far away and can’t hear you say Hello.  It is a huge waste of energy if you are too close because they will still be happy and satisfied if you just said Hey to them or nodded your head.  The wave is like overkill because you had already done the deed with your voice or head.  Doing the deed with your hand is an entirely different topic but it will be discussed later in chapter 3.

            Dylanism is a way of life, a belief, something to live your life by.  There are no obligations, except to you.  The obligation of not being dumb.  Most people are stupid and hairy and not really cool.  I walk around in the mall and see that I would not trade places with any of those people.  Not even the rich ones or the gorgeous ones because I’m sure that they have something wrong with the inside of their head.  I am the only person that’s not screwed up like that.  Everyone else is abnormal, I am normal.  My roommate tells me that what I just wrote is mean because it means that I am disrespecting the people that bought my book.  Its not.  If you bought my book, you are a believer in Dylanism, and you are all right.  Others say that their might be some people that buy the book and only read some of it and don’t like what they read.  These people would most likely be inclined to not believe in Dylanism.  But this won’t happen.  Trust me, its true.

            On the topic on dwarfs, talking babies, and dogs, there is nothing more funny in the world.  If you include anyone of these things in a commercial it will be popular, but I can’t guarantee it will sell your product.  That’s your job.  I take that back.  Not the part about the non-selling* products, but the part about the 3 funny things.  I must say that any